{"id":6290,"date":"2024-12-13T16:45:38","date_gmt":"2024-12-13T16:45:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/tech.newat9.com\/index.php\/2024\/12\/13\/why-i-set-up-a-death-cafe\/"},"modified":"2024-12-13T16:45:38","modified_gmt":"2024-12-13T16:45:38","slug":"why-i-set-up-a-death-cafe","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tech.newat9.com\/index.php\/2024\/12\/13\/why-i-set-up-a-death-cafe\/","title":{"rendered":"Why I . . . set up a death cafe"},"content":{"rendered":"


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Emeritus professor in obstetrics and women\u2019s health Susan Bewley talks to Kathy Oxtoby<\/strong> about hosting a death cafe<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Every few weeks Susan Bewley meets with people, often strangers, to drink tea, eat cake, and discuss death. She hosts a death cafe\u2014a group directed discussion of death with no agenda, objectives, or themes.1<\/a><\/p>\n

For Bewley, musing on death has added more pleasure to her life. \u201cI\u2019ve been enjoying things more exquisitely\u2014the smaller things in life\u2014whether it\u2019s literally smelling the roses or being more present, in nature and in relationships,\u201d she says. The death cafe has also \u201cadded more detail, texture, and nuance to what I believe about death,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n

Death cafes were started by Jon Underwood, based on the work of Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz. An international social franchise\u2014there are more than 18\u2009500 death cafes in 90 countries\u2014the objective is \u201cto increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bewley is an emeritus professor in obstetrics and women\u2019s health at King\u2019s College London, a retired obstetrician, and retired forensic sexual offences examiner. She finds the death cafe to be \u201ca safe space to explore death, get over the taboos, and use conversations about death to reflect on living well in the little time we\u2019ve got.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBeing in a room of strangers means that in some ways you\u2019re freer to say anything\u2014or nothing\u2014with no expectations to weigh upon you,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

At the age of 60 Bewley decided to spend a year doing 60 new things, which included thinking about death. \u201cI wanted to \u2018prepare\u2019 and address unfinished business,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

She discovered death cafes on the internet. \u201cI thought I\u2019d like to go to a death cafe and find a neutral space to talk about preparing for death. But all the cafes were far away. I had a lightbulb moment and decided I\u2019d better set one up.\u201d<\/p>\n

While out dog walking, she discussed the idea with a friend, and, along with two other local people, they started a death cafe in a community centre in London two years ago, using guidance from the website.<\/p>\n

Death cafes are non–<\/span>commercial and not-for-profit but attendees can make donations. Many are run monthly. They are self-organised, grass roots initiatives that differ in the way they are run, with their own characteristics, and can be large, small, or even online.<\/p>\n

At the death cafe Bewley helps run, after introductions are made, two or three topics are chosen, which could relate to current news or one of the rituals around death. People take part in informal discussions over tea and cake, and the four founders facilitate in turn.<\/p>\n

The death cafe is a discussion group rather than a grief support or counselling session. \u201cIn a way they are more powerful for being \u2018ordinary,\u2019 and not having anyone who is an expert,\u201d she says. \u201cAs a facilitator I have to be careful not to be a doctor and avoid taking charge. I have to restrain myself from thinking I know better. When facilitating I try to make people welcome and comfortable, and make sure people do not interrupt each other and that those who haven\u2019t spoken get the opportunity to do so,\u201d Bewley says.<\/p>\n

Discussions are thought provoking and inspiring. \u201cPeople share stories and advice on the practical aspects of death. They might talk about suicide or the last holding of a demented parent\u2019s hands. It makes it terribly real for everyone to hear each other\u2019s experiences. People are often close to tears, but there\u2019s also laughter, recognition, and deep listening,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

The death cafe is an extraordinary, ordinary setting in which Bewley says she has learnt a lot. \u201cEvery time I come home from the death cafe my life has been enriched by that hour and a half I\u2019ve spent with other people. It makes me think, see, and feel things differently, and is so rewarding.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bewley\u2019s working life revolved around \u201cthat other great ritual: birth. And there are connections between birth and death,\u201d she says. For Bewley, the death cafe is a space to reflect on her professional relationship with death. \u201cFor me, it\u2019s a bit about letting go of the career as well,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n

She recommends setting up or visiting a death cafe as something doctors might enjoy and benefit from. \u201cYou see the best in people,\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s beyond the curative and professional attention. It\u2019s about the unpaid, meaningful, caring connections you can make. It\u2019s constantly intriguing. It\u2019s raw and straightforward. There\u2019s no agenda, targets, resolution, or problem solving. It\u2019s talking and listening\u2014that simple.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bewley hopes clinicians will look at the death cafe website and if they\u2019re curious, dip their toe in. \u201cThere\u2019s a need for tea, cake, and conversations about death,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

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How to make a change<\/h3>\n